F*** My Life My House is Burning Down

(Scroll down to see the special link at the bottom then read this story).  Yesterday I spent a happy hour merrily blogging along. Banana bread was baking in the oven and I felt a wonderful sense of satisfaction; my writing mojo, it seemed, was coming back. I came to a place in the blog entry when a break seemed sensible and so I clicked over to Facebook to check in on what I had missed over the past 60 minutes. Because life is that eventful. I saw a status update notification, clicked on it, and found the following update from a friend:

F*** my life my house is burning down.

Now, my friend is known for his sagacity, on the one hand, and a ribald humor on the other. This status update seemed to fit neither of these characteristics. Perhaps, I thought optimistically (I'm celebrating everything, remember), perhaps he was being metaphorical. Maybe he'd had an argument with his wife. Maybe he was playing a video game and had lost.  

Two hours later, he posted a shaky camera phone video confirming that, indeed, his house, along with some of his neighbors' homes, did in fact burn down. The video is titled, "Bye Bye to my House and Everything I Own". I'm supposed to be celebrating everything, right?

Craig and Shelley's House

My friend is homeless.  Every material possession he and his wife and three young daughters had, everything save the clothes on their backs, whatever they had in their pockets, and the car he sat in across the street from his home, watching it burn, everything is gone. The fire was covered on the news.

New York News | NYC Breaking News

In all, five homes burned down. Forty-five people were left homeless and pretty well destitute.

I have found it unhelpful to say to suffering people, "I know what you're going through", mainly because that isn't true. It also isn't helpful to say, right away, that material things are nothing, just be thankful you are safe. It can be a while before one who loses everything forgets what he or she lost. More accurately, one doesn't really know what one has lost except that they know that they have lost everything. The unknown consequences of that loss - that is the scary part. And one cannot just un-scare another person. It is a process.

I do know something about losing everything. I have a very different relationship to things now than I did five years ago. Oh, there wasn't a fire but I told myself to believe that there was. There might as well have been. When I left my ex-husband, I literally left with the contents of two suitcases.  At least I had that.

I remember laughing at myself that first afternoon in my new apartment.  I had flown on the red-eye to JFK from California, taken a cab straight from the airport to the rental office, picked up my keys and moved in. I felt scuzzy and wanted to take a shower. No curtain.  I felt hungry and wanted to cook dinner. No pots. Not even a fork. I went running to the store when I encountered no toilet paper.

I was completely overwhelmed by everything that had happened over the prior 18 months.  I felt utterly helpless. I had no wits left. That was the point.  I was meant to learn this: When you don't know what to do, do nothing.  Just ask, trust and celebrate. The universe (yes, I said that) reciprocates and fixes things. And so I let go and I trusted. Amazing things happened. Miracles happened. My community stepped in and did for me in ways I could never repay. I would never have known such mind blowing wonder but for losing everything.

I am wishing the same experience on my friend and his family. Losing everything sucks. It just does. Eventually, however, perhaps a year or two from now, they might not remember what most of those things were. But they will remember this.

This morning a friend of theirs set up a GoFundMe campaign to raise $5000.00 for the family.  Within one hour $610.00 had been donated.  I see no reason why the goal won't be met within the next 24 hours. This outpouring - now that is something to celebrate.

If you would like to donate (what an awesome rush that is) please click the link below. Even $5.00 can make a tremendous difference.  That's toothpaste. Or a couple dozen eggs, a carton of milk, all kinds of stuff. The reward to you for participating is beyond monetary measure and so is the joy you will bring to this family. Pour out the blessing! Let us give this family a reason to celebrate everything.

Celebrate Everything

I've been trying to blog regularly for years now.  I figured that when I hit on something to blog about that really ignited my passions, doing it regularly would be no problem.  I think I've finally figured out the magic formula to this.  Perhaps.  Life is an experiment.  So is this blog.

I've been inspired to write today by the video at the end of this entry.  I have experienced my share of really tough times over the past five years.  In the beginning, being cut off from the promise of a relatively comfortable life felt more like being cut loose and set free to experience life on my own terms.  I was recently divorced, separated from my job, no kids, even.  It was just me, my computer, and the Divine Universe to figure out where to go next.  I was deliriously happy.  That lasted about three years.

Lately, the euphoria has started to wear off.  It's like the lidocaine dissipating after a dental procedure.  Pain has started to seep through. I am confronting and confronted by how I really feel about my ex-husband and my former supervisor.  I am facing the rest of my life wondering, is this it? No companion, no kids, no home of my own, cobbling together a living from various entrepreneurial ventures?

When I first found myself thrust out of the life I thought I would have (wife, mother, lawyer) and into the great unknown, I found a friend and teacher who saved my life.  He would refuse to take credit if he knew that I thought of him this way.  He didn't actually teach me so much as he pointed me in a direction and watched encouragingly as I explored its potentials. He inspired me to examine the idea that everything is good.

I remember running into a vendor at a Brooklyn street fair who spoke passionately of the evils of Satan.  It was summertime, about a year after my divorce.  "There is no evil", I said to him.  He looked at me as though I were nuts, which I understand. What I said is certainly not the consensus viewpoint. We went back and forth for a bit. I wonder whether he decided that I must have been one of the devil's minions and feared being sucked into my blasphemous vortex because he cut off our conversation quite abruptly.

I found tremendous strength in the idea of embracing everything, even hurt, grief, anguish, disappointment and fury.  I explored fearing nothing, understanding all to be beneficial. For a long while, my joy about being free overcame everything else. And then . . . and then . . .  I felt lonely one day. And tired. And stuck.  I began to forget the joyful part of being cut off/cut loose, to feel bitter.  Bitterness is like a blanket one wraps around oneself as a shield against the hurt, grief, anguish, disappointment, and fury. One holds on to bitterness.

Hurt is like a roaring wind, in my experience, as are grief, anguish and the rest. There come days when I feel them whip through me. It can feel thrilling to stand outside in a roaring windstorm, to let those gusts blast through, to ride the currents, delighting in coming to understand that through it all, it is ok . . . when one is anchored. Thankfully, I have been anchored. I am grateful for the lifetime of challenges that created my anchor, made it ready so that when I needed it, it was just there. Being the eldest daughter in an immigrant family taught me much about miracles and the divine. In time, however, I began to forget about the anchor and to reach for the blanket of bitterness.

Something happened last week, a reminder of the absolute scat storm that had described my life for a few years. Back then I was too caught up in it to be bitter.  I was too awed at being alive.  Now, years later, I could feel the wind, I became the wind, actually.  I became a furious storm.  I have never been so angry in all of my life.  And I started to pull that blanket around me. Until I saw this video, this amazing vivid reminder to celebrate everything.

As I write this, I am coming to understand that my delayed processing of the hurt, the grief, anguish, disappointment, and fury does not contradict embracing everything.  In fact, it is quite in line with it. These, too, are beneficial, and I can. Celebrate. Everything.